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I don't know what to say. It just doesn't seem right. It isn't right. He's too young and he had a whole life ahead of him. He was so full of life and had that angas thing going on. I believe he wasn't ready to die, not at that age and not like that. He wasn't ready, then why?! It's a devastating loss and he will be terribly missed.

Good memories, good times. It was a fun childhood for the both of us. That's what I'll always remember. He was very thoughtful and respectful.

Is anyone ever ready for death? Be it the one dying or the people being left behind? I wish life had warning signs, at least a couple of hours beforehand, so the blow wouldn't be as hard. But then again, will the blow of death ever be easy?

But he's too young! And it's not right! I don't think I can continue writing...nothing feels right.

Cis, mahidlaw gid kami sa imo. Damu gid bala ang gapalangga sa imo...
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| Photobucket mellow]
[music| random stuff on the Killerbee playlist]



(yes, i left out the "d" on purpose) :p


I got this from

starsplashes who got it from swikey
 

"You are the moment when the last bell rings and school lets out for the day. You are resistant to schedules and obligations, so you love feeling like you're in control of your life again. You are the very moment when the second hand hits the 12, and the halls fill with noise and motion. Even if your after-school time is packed with activities, lessons, or a job, somehow, you just feel freer in the late afternoon than you do earlier in the day. Maybe it's all that blue sky and afternoon sunshine? Nah -- even on rainy days, 3:15 is always a beautiful time."

Haha! It really is pretty accurate.

-----------

I finally purchased my tickets for Manila. I told myself I wouldn't write about it or how extremely excited I am until I have the ticket in my hands, lest I jinx the whole trip. And now that I bought my plane ticket, it's a sure thing. Waaah!!!

I miss Manila! I miss everybody there! I miss my friends! I miss my life!

*Sigh*. Maybe I really haven't moved on. It's just that I can be soo picky with the company I choose to hang out with; it's hard finding people with whom I can be totally at ease with and be myself around. It sucks being the newbie. But then again, the living is pretty good so I can't complain :)

And and and, I'll be in Manila soon! Even if it is just for a few days I'm going to make the most out of it and get together with as many friends as possible.

-----------

I feel like all my life I've been moving around from one place to another. Bacolod, Manila, Jeddah, back to Manila and then back to Bacolod.

Home? Well I guess it's wherever I want it to be then, huh? Hmmm...
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| Photobucket rejuvenated]



It sucks that I've been working 7 days a week. I know I shouldn't be complaining because I only work 3-4 hours a day after all and it's a job I love...but still, I just want one day where I can do whatever I want. Sleep in because I was out drinking the other night, wake up early because I'm about to go on a road trip, stay in and have a dvd marathon of whatever I feel like watching...simple luxuries like that and just total disregard for time. But anyways, I can't have everything, or even just a day off...but I know that time will come...(I hope soon. Hehe)

So anyways, I've been itching to go out of town and last week I finally was able to. It's been sooo long since I went on a road trip and I just absolutely love the open road. I switched slots with Kurt and did sign on (6-friggin-AM on a Sunday! Good morning Bacolod!) so I could get off early by 9AM. I filled my USB with songs for the road ahead and Carlo, my brother and his girlfriend and some other friends met up at the hive for the Cadiz road trip.

There's nothing like the open road, a stark blue sky contrasting with the endless lively green sugar cane fields and a fiesta to look forward to. I heart Negros! And I heart the Dinagsa festival, except for the black paint and motor oil that some people use. I have no idea why they would use such! It's irritating and would they want that on their faces?! I don't think so. But yeah, this is one fiesta na bawal ang pikon. It was just so much fun! Everybody was a painter and a canvas as well. Everybody was just a splash of color, literally. You could paint anybody who walked by and they could do the same to you. Street partying, drum beaters, paint here and there...I loved it!

I didn't get "hit" as bad as last year's and I have Carlo to thank for that. Whenever I'd see someone with black paint on his hands, I'd be ducking into Carlo. Haha. And I know he liked playing the role of "my knight in shining armor" and I liked it too...and it worked to my advantage because I didn't get that much paint on. ;p

Because my connection sucks at the moment and I don't really have time right now to wait for the pictures to upload here on lj, proof of damage can be seen here :
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| happy happy, loved and blessed]



Wow. It's been close to a year since I last wrote anything down in here. To be precise, I'm just 10 days shy. A whole year undocumented. So this entry, in a way, will be like me trying to make up for lost entries.

My year in review:

  • 2007 started off rocky and uncertain. I was still unemployed. Rather, I was still in hopes of employment. Been 'in training' with Killerbee 106.3 FM here in Bacolod for give or take 7 months already then and so far I felt like all I had gotten were empty promises. I got a sort of wake up call during a family gathering at a relative's wake. Family members kept pressing me that it wasn't worth it, that after all I wasn't getting anything from it. I felt really bad and torn because I couldn't defend being in Killerbee and because I secretly agreed with them.
  • By February I said my goodbyes to the station and to the people I've met. I really was unsure if I was coming back or not. Regardless if I came back or not, at that point in my life it really did feel like a goodbye, like the ending of that particular chapter. It was, to say the least, tearful. I didn't want to leave. I wanted a reason to stay but I knew I had to leave. Even my own conviction of wanting to stay couldn't make me stay. I hated that feeling. There was this constant silent plea found only in my eyes to anybody who asked: "just give me a reason to stay".
By this time of the year, I also started a 'thing' with someone. I didn't think of it much then, but the feelings snowballed. (For the record, you said it first, Carl! Hehe.)
  • Met up with old friends when I was in Manila. Missed those mokongs so much, and I still do. Everybody had their own piece of mind about my dilemma, but they were unanimous in saying that I should go back to Manila, that I could do so much more with my talents in Manila. They were very convincing. I did, after all, want to go back to Manila. I considered it home. (I was thinking then that Bacolod may be my biological home, but Manila will always have a place in heart. It's where I met the friends who are more than just friends to me. You guys know who you are and I love you guys to death). They kept giving my all these options and suggestions for work, rakets and whatnots, and some even offered a little help hooking me up with people they know. I wanted to stay but I wanted to give Bacolod another chance.
  • Flew to Jeddah to get some time away to think. Spent a month there. Found out he was hooking up with someone else, which made me doubt going back to Bacolod. By this time I had three reasons not to go back - relatives, Manila-friends and him - and no reason yet to go back to Bacolod. But I knew I wanted to give Bacolod another chance, so I made a compromise with myself: just one more chance. If nothing works out, I'm going back to Manila.
  • Flew back to Bacolod, swallowed my pride 'coz I needed to start earning and applied for a call center. (I have nothing against call centers. It's just not for me and I just can't put up with the long tiresome hours. Period.) I won't even dwell on this part of the year. Hehe. Suffice it to say that I worked at the call center for quite some time.
Oh, and I was also a 'photographer' for quite some time before the call center stint. Hehe. A photo studio that specializes in kids was looking for a full-time photographer so I applied and got the job. It was fun working there and with the kiddies and babies. The studio was like a playroom with all these toys and plush teddies, giraffes and watchmacallit creatures in different shapes and sizes. Oh and they had lots and lots of costumes and props for kids to use. When I have a kid, I'd definitely want to get my kid photographed there and I'll prolly get those nifty bag chains you can have the photo printed on. I had to leave them, though. I chose the call center. Tsk tsk. Heck, I needed the money!
At this point, I must admit that I also came back to Bacolod not only just to see if I could have a career here, but also to see if there was anything at all between Carlo and I. There was something, but we would soon find out that it was going to be a tumultuous and bumpy road that we had to go through before any concrete feelings could be realized.
  • By the fourth quarter of the year, things would pick up and dramatically change for the better :). I finally got hired by Quest Broadcasting in October and was finally officially a member of Killerbee. And my appointment came just in time for the Masskara fesitval. I had all these hosting gigs which raked in big caching caching ;). At this time, Carlo and I have been going steady for around 6 months and we were able to get through that ugly bumpy road I was talking about earlier.
  • Events and hosting gigs just poured in from then on. Although there have been and there will be lull months, it's all good 'coz I can always at any time say scream, "I LOVE MY JOB!". And boardwork is just fun fun fun :). I do what I love doing most, talking. (Take that all you haters back in grade school who kept taunting me daldalera! Hehe.)
  • (This event deserves its own bullet as it was the biggest wildest event that I will forever associate with 2007. And now, allow me to revel in this one particular noteworthy event.) I got to host this drifting event for PLDT and I was literally in the middle of it all. A huge huge crowd! I absolutely loved my entrance! Haha! I was hosting while Philippine Drift King Dave Feliciano was drifting closely around me. And the after-party was just fab. Partying at the VIP room with Nancy, the drift king and queen, the drift champ and the rest of the PLDT MyDSL crew and getting drunk on Bacardi and whatever else you can guzzle down was crazy. According to hearsay we had around 20k consumable that night care of PLDT, so we kept ordering left and right. I loved that night...happy sigh :) For more about this, which I think you've already had enough of but just in case, you can read my blog on this event here: http://bacolodkillerbee.multiply.com/journal/item/3/Bacolod_Drift_It_only_takes_one_ride_-KELLY (writing as Kelly, of course)
So. That's that I guess. It was a beautiful blessed year :). To YOU, thanks for all the blessings, even if YOU sometimes have to disguise it as something bad. To Carlo, thank you for all that you've shown and taught me and for sticking by even if I can become a horrible PMsing, demanding little thing you call a girlfriend. To friends, Manila, Bacolod and everywhere, thank you for being a part of 2007 in whatever way it was. Here's to our 2008!
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| optimistic]
[music| “The World is Our Playground and We Will Always be Home”, UpDharmaDown]



Yey! I'm through posting the long-overdue entries from months ago last year that I chose to write in a notebook instead of here, online. It's the new year and part of my new year's resolution* was to get that over with.

It's sort of symbolic in a way. Finally getting over with updating past entries so I can start writing new entries. Finishing those entries was like saying, "I'm finally done with the past. I'm over it. I'm pushing it aside. Give me a new slate, a new year." Although I could have updated without having to update the past entries first because there is always the option of backdating/backtracking, it just always seemed like there was unfinished business and I could never move on. Which is one of the reasons why I never made any holiday posts, because there were queued untyped entries. So being able to finish posting past entries is symbolic to me getting done with the past and ready to live in the now, which I feel I haven't done much of in 2006 as I kept on looking back and subsequently longing for my life back in Manila. Much of 2006 was spent on missing a past which I have finally come to accept now as the past. I resolve now, for 2007, to live in the now; to be appreciative of where I am and what I have now.

2006 was spent "living" in the past. I constantly compared my life here in Bacolod to my life back in Manila, mainly because I couldn't move on. It became ugly when I started comparing friends. I felt sick doing that but I couldn't help it. I goddamn missed my friends in Manila. It was ugly but I thought thoughts like "such and such are so different from armi, rex, arjay, etc.", "if i were with my Manila friends, it'd be much more fun." (But that's the thing, people are different and that's what makes them all the more interesting! Don't mind me, I'm arguing with myself here again.) That's how ugly the thoughts were and it was unfair. It kept me from developing meaningful relationships with the slow growing number of people I knew here. The past was a heavy burden I dragged along.

I'm making sure 2007's different. No more living in the past, I'm living in the NOW. I'm learning to appreciate the people I've come to know and I'm no longer going to let the past from keeping me from developing relationships.

To my friends back in Manila, you have no idea how hard it is the way I miss you like I do. Here's to the beautiful past we've shared and to our futures! To Chinky and her barkada and the people at the hive, I appreciate everything. Here's to the crazy, beautiful things we can do now and to the crazy future we'll be making!

I guess it's about time...Good bye 2006! Hello 2007!

--------
* Yes, I actually made resolutions this year. I've never really made any before because I knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to see them through the year. But somehow at the start of 2007, I felt excited, determined and energized for the new year. I am gonna push myself further this year. I will get things done.
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| numb]
[music| “Pressure”, Paramore]



I entertained the thought of us being together. I enjoyed it. Everytime I would listen to the songs you had sent me, thoughts of you would play on my mind and it never failed to bring a smug smile on my face. A smile uninvited but most welcome. Then, that is. I was infatuated and it felt good. I felt a light sort of happy, and although we were miles apart, it didn't matter. I WAS HAPPY.

But now the smile is gone, the feeling is different, yet the songs play on.

As unhappy as I am now about us, I'm glad you came (back) into my life, if only to remind me of how happy I can actually become.
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| happy]
[music| “Honestly”, Zwan]



no. not really. i just don't want my blog to feel so...dead. i wanted to write, however pointless the entry may come out. i haven't been writing in this for quite some time now, but i have been keeping a personal journal instead. i find i'm more free there (and i miss seeing my handwriting, too.) but heehee, i wouldn't want to be away from the "world" for too long, so as soon as i can convince my lazy fingers to do some more tiptapping the keyboard i will be doing some major backtracking and updating.

as for now, i will be my lazy self and go to sleep because tomorrow i cannot be lazy. argh! i wonder what tomorrow has in store for me. i'll be accompanying (driving) my mom and my brother to the most hated place i find myself needing to go to at least once a year, the LTO. my brother's applying for his student license (and when he gets his student license, after a month he'll be getting his non-pro license then i wouldn't have to be the driver anymore and i can have him "legally" drive me around by then!)

tomorrow, at the LTO, i forecast moderate to heavy queues, scattered tempers and gusty mood swings. i hate hate hate the LTO! haaaay...hala go! sugod lang!
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| angry]
[music| “Wake Up”, Mojofly]



Ugh! I feel used. There was something hidden in between your "I love you's". I was never one to be wise in matters of the heart, but for some reason I felt I knew better now. With you. I guess I thought felt wrong. That's the thing, I THOUGHT this one out. That's what makes it worse.

Hindi ko maisip kung paano ako naloko uli. Sadya bang tanga ako?
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| bored]



I just watched City of God here on Movie Magic and as usual I have the same reaction whenever I watch that movie. Puta, ang ganda. Violently beautiful. Pero pwede ring beautifully violent. Hehe. Tangina ang ganda ng pagtagpi-tagpi ng kwento ng mga tauhan tapos yung pag-connect sa iisang buong kwento. Galeng. Bakit kapag may mga bagay na sobrang nagagandahan ako hindi ko magawang hindi magmura? Heniways, obviously I heart the film.

--------

In other news, Saudi Arabia finally has a developing film industry. Being the conservative Muslim country it is, this is a breakthrough. I saw a feature on CNN yesterday about Saudi Arabia's first-ever film, or something to that extent. I wasn't able to watch the whole report because I tuned in a little too late. The film won't be screened here, though, because again, being the conservative Muslim country it is, it wasn't allowed. And, by the way, there are no movie houses here in Saudi. Trivia lang. Kaya ayun, the film was screened in Bahrain instead.

I saw some clips of the film. I'm curious. I'd like to get a chance to watch it. I wonder where they shot the film and I wonder how they were able to go about with the shooting of the film in a country like this.

An interesting fact, the film's producer is a prince (I forgot which one), a nephew of King Abdullah, which according to the interview is one of the reasons why the film saw its completion: because it was backed up by a prince. Had it been any other producer, it would probably have run into a lot more problems as there already are or it probably wouldn't have materialized at all. Nonetheless, even with the backing of a prince, the film is still stirring up controversy in the Arab world.

Ok, I'm officially bored.
 
 
 
 
 
 
[mood| peaceful]



I've been archiving our home videos these past few days, transferring them from archaic Video 8 tapes to DVD. My dad made sure to document our childhood, from the family trips abroad to our school programs. He even has videos of us doing homework! My brother was so adorable then, showing off to the camera his new-found skill, writing the ABCs. Now, he's just so...different. So grown-up. Back then he used to be so jolly, but now I feel he's irritable most of the time. I hate how we're drifting apart.

I'm currently watching our Disney World trip and I suddenly have the urge to watch Disney's The Little Mermaid, but I can't find my old Betamax copy. (Yes, we still have a Betamax player here in Jeddah. I don't know if it still works, though.)

Waah! I miss being a kid! And yes, I had a relatively happy childhood. I was blessed, and still am. Watching these old home videos always makes me happy.